The Husband’s Guide
Husbands check on your wives! They have been stuck indoors with your children, and they are not okay!
I kid, of course. Being gifted this time with my son is such a blessing in disguise, but I would be remiss if I did not mention the support from my husband. Maybe you and your wife are both at home. Perhaps you're at home while your wife still has to work, or perhaps you still have to work, but your wife is home with the kids. There are several scenarios during these unique circumstances, but the fact remains your wife needs your help. With the lockdown, so many of us are out of work. Now is the perfect time to connect more with your family. Let me ask the husbands out there a question. How much do you help your wife with the kids? (Hint: it's a trick question).
Photo credit: Pamela Butler Photography
Here's a fact that not many people want to acknowledge these days: men and women are different. We have different strengthens. The unfair truth is, nurturing often comes more naturally to women than to men. But that doesn't mean you don't have a place in the caretaking. If you want to be anything more than "the breadwinner" of the household, I am here to help you be more involved and find your place as a father.
Patience: Children, regardless of age, can wear on a person's patience. I recall spending hours at home, soothing our son. When I had enough, I would hand him to my husband for a break. He spent no more than two minutes trying to comfort him before shoving him back into my arms, saying, "I can't do this."
Soothing your baby takes time and practice. The stronger the bond you create with your children, the easier they will be comforted by you. The more you hand the baby back to your wife, the harder it will be to ever soothe him or her in the future. If you want to improve your ability to soothe the baby when he is upset, take time to be with him when he is happy! The pockets of time when the baby is content are the times to grow a connection that will be used later when the child is… less content. Your anger with the screaming baby will be combated with the memory of when he was sleeping so peacefully on your chest. Bonding with the child feeds back into patience and calming the child during difficult times.
Check your pride at the door: Your wife has been caring and providing for this child since conception. She has spent late nights and early mornings learning your baby's every cue. She knows the tricks. What works and what doesn't. Do not be too proud to listen to her when she is trying to tell you the best way to go about doing something. That being said, sometimes, in the heat of the moment, the helpful hints can come across more like condescending criticism. If this is the case, have a conversation with her. Not in the heat of the moment (I promise you that will not go well). And not in front of your children (you want them to see you as a team). When the kids are in bed, and you have a calm moment, that is when you talk.
I suggest starting with acknowledging how much she does for you and the family. Follow up with an appreciation for the tips she gives to you. Then dive into the issue with the way she says it. I suggest using an I-statement describing the problem. For example, "I feel patronized whenever you tell me what to do." Or maybe something along the lines of, "I know you are trying to help me, but sometimes your words can come across as condescending." She may not even notice she is coming across that way. Before approaching the conversation, I recommend having suggestions in mind of how you would like your wife to address the matter. That way, after bringing up the criticism of what she is doing wrong in your eyes, you can suggest how she can deliver her tips better. With the right amount of respect for each other, the two of you can come up with a way to handle these moments with care.
Acts of Service: I have a challenge for you husbands: Change the diaper every time the opportunity presents itself. Sounds crazy, right? I challenge you to try this for two weeks. Can you make it? Your wife doesn't have to have an acts of service love language to appreciate this dirty deed already done. Somehow, after maternity leave, nights up with the baby, and breastfeeding (if applicable), the mother becomes the go-to caregiver.
It can be assumed if a diaper needs changing, the wife will be the first to jump on it. Maybe you are the kind of guy that has no problem doing it if she's tied up or if she asks you. But are you the kind of guy who just does it? If you are both relaxing on the couch and you smell an unmistakable smell, are you the first to jump on it? Try this, and your wife's demeanor will thank you. One critical note here: Do not ask her if she wants you to change the diaper. Just change it! One, of course she wants you to change it! Who wouldn't? Two, has she ever asked you if you wanted her to change a diaper? When you ask her, that implies that diaper duty is primarily her job, and you are just throwing her a bone by doing it for her. A woman's mind is analytical like that, what can we say?
Change every diaper you can get your hands on for two weeks, and if you find you like what this simple act does, try it with other things too. This practice can translate into any age or scenario. Clean any bottles you see in the sink. The next time she has to pump, and she finds them already cleaned, her day will be brightened. If the kids are getting out of hand and she is about to lose her mind, take control, and allow her to barricade herself somewhere for some alone time. Each time you do something to brighten her day, you change her mood overall, and who doesn't want a happier wife? It's a win-win! Your wife's mood will improve because it shows that you see her struggles, and you want to lighten the load.
On the off chance, these things are not making her happy or maybe acts of service does not speak to her enough, there is still hope. At this time, you may need to try asking just this once. When you get the answer, revert to the "just do it" technique for whatever she requested. The other day, my husband must have noticed I was in a bad mood. He made a point to acknowledge all that I was doing for him and our son. Then he asked a very simple, "What can I do to help?" Just the acknowledgment alone was enough to turn my mood around, but knowing he was there to help me made me feel supported and, most of all, loved.
Never underestimate the power of play: This sounds so simple, yet so many husbands would prefer to take advantage of the times their children are content playing on their own rather than getting involved. Get down on the floor with your infant, go outside with your preschooler, grab the controller with your teenager. Whatever the age, whatever the activity, you can get involved. You will be surprised how much you learn about your child through their play. The more you learn, the easier it will be for you to take part in their care.
Photo credit: OBX Photography
If you are both new parents, the next few months are going to be difficult. There is no way around that. It will take time figuring out your rhythm. The message I want to get across to you is simple. As wives, we don't want you to 'help' us. We want you to be an active member of the household, a co-parent. If you feel this whole post is very one-sided, well, that's because it is. I may be biased, but I know what I am talking about when it comes to a wife's perspective. Of course, every family dynamic is different, but if there is anything you can take away from this, apply it to your marriage, and watch the magic unfold.
Don't get me wrong, you can get in on this action too. "The squeaky wheel gets the oil!" If this is an equal partnership, then you have a claim over that too. Have a conversation with your wife if you feel there are some areas in which you feel overwhelmed. But maybe start by trying the tips mentioned above to lighten her load before making any requests yourself. Marriage is about compromise. We want to strive to give as much as we take. That is a true partnership.