The New Parent’s Guide

I always tell couples considering getting pregnant; a baby will take whatever situation you have in your marriage at the moment, and blow it up. My husband and I were together for five years before having a baby. Despite those five years, I have learned more about him in one year of having a baby. Why? Because we experienced our first marital "crisis." From the marriage and family standpoint, a "crisis" does not always mean something devastating, although it can. Something as joyful as welcoming a new addition to your family is considered a crisis to your marriage. Anyone who has been there can understand why:

The "fourth trimester": A baby is an adorable little bundle of joy by day and a raging monster by night. They don't rest, they never stop pooping, and they can sense weakness. In all seriousness, whether it be day or night, the first three months after bringing home a baby will be a dark, dark time. So many emotions are raging through the mother's body. Meanwhile, the father is trying his hardest to do either one of two things. Either he's A) pick up the pieces of what his wife has become or B) desperately grasping at the life he had before. In either scenario, you're both tired, you're both frustrated, and you're both sex-deprived (let's be honest, that makes a difference). Nothing puts a marriage to the test more than all of those factors pressed into one household.

I wish there were one simple life-saving piece of advice during this time, but there isn't. You can have family members stay with you as long as they're willing. Still, eventually, you are going to find yourselves facing your first night alone with the baby. One thing to keep your sanity is to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, there is a light. You can't see it now, but it will be here sooner than you realize. It starts to shine right around three months post-partum and rounds the corner at four months. That's when your new addition is developing a personality and suddenly your eating, crying, pooping little monster is a baby!

Bonding with baby: I am going to confess something to all of you that no mother would willingly confess. When my son was first born, I did not have a connection with him right away. I felt no "special love" I've heard about from other mothers. I was undoubtedly fixated on him in that I always wanted to hold him and check on him. I had a responsibility to him. But I remembered other mothers talking about how strong a mother's love is for her baby, and I just didn't know what I was supposed to be feeling. The reason I am telling all of you this is because I don't believe I am the only one to have felt this way. I'm here to tell you it gets better. In the days that followed, as I spent time home with him, I was growing deeper and deeper in love for that little boy. Before I knew how or when it happened, I finally felt that "special love." This experience wasn't something that rushed over me the second my baby was born, I had to get to know him. I had to look into his eyes or watch him sleep. I had to feel his skin on mine as our hearts beat together. I grew to know his cries and to read his face. All of these experiences are what creates a bond.

Now, with all that said, where does that leave the father? Some fathers these days are fortunate to have paternity leave, but others (my husband being one of them) are lucky even to have a week off with pay. Unlike myself, he didn't have the innate responsibly to care for the baby and therefore spent that week off like a vacation. Once that one short week was over, so was his opportunity to do all of the things that brought me closer to our baby. This led down a bad spiral.

You see that strong, loving bond you form during the peaceful, happy times are what make the long… we'll just say, "unhappy times" bearable. You have to take the good times for all they're worth and bond before they turn into little monsters. If you don't create positive bonds during the good times, you're going to lose your patience with the baby during the bad times. As a result, you form a negative relationship that continues to cycle. This is where we were with my husband. He had no loving bond with our baby and only felt frustration towards him. Because of his negative feelings towards the baby, he never wanted to spend any bonding time with him when things were good. It wasn't until we turned that corner, and the light at the end of the tunnel started to shine when things began to change. The little monster turned into a happy, fun baby, and they were then able to bond as father and son. Eventually, my husband saw what I saw in our son all along, but it took more time than I expected. And this is where I insert my critical message: You each are going to bond with the baby in your own way, in your own time. It is important to remember that these feelings do not just wash over you. They have to be created and fostered. Do not get frustrated with your spouse (or worse, with yourself) if you notice a lack of a connection. As hard as it is, be patient. These things will come with time, and forcing it will only create arguments that are less than helpful in an already stressful setting.

Sharing the load: I confess this is a topic that is challenging to advise on since it is still murky in our own marriage. While spending your time off bonding with the baby, you start to assume all the household responsibilities. After all, you are home all day, and your husband is not. In the night, your husband has to be up for work the next day, so you get to respond to your baby's needs all night long. Eventually, you will have to redistribute the chores. Maybe it is time for you to return to work. Even stay-at-home-moms will admit to needing some responsibly taken off their shoulders. Some of the household chores now have to fall onto your husband.

By this point, habits have formed. Husbands do not always know how to do all the things you've been doing all this time. And if you do manage to get him to do it, he won't do it right, so it's easier just to do it yourself. Sound familiar? This exact situation was the mess I found myself in when I had to return to my life outside the house. In addition, I breastfed my son for the first year of his life. I have found in my own experience that with nursing, my son drifted slowly into being 100% my responsibility. When he needed to eat, he was handed to me. When his bottles were dirty in the sink, I had to clean them in order to pump. When he woke in the night, I had the breasts; it was just easier. I had no break. I was never "off duty." I worked as a round-the-clock mom while also juggling work and school.

The household chores became neglected. My husband, God love him, had never had to do household chores before being married. We have made gains in this area, but not to the degree I needed at that time. This imbalance created many arguments. Since he was used to doing nothing around the house, he felt as though he was really stepping it up. Meanwhile, I was left still doing roughly 75% of the housework. There were plenty of moments of weakness when I would snap, and he felt the wrath of my burnt-out exhaustion. The truth was, he really didn't know how to do better. Like I said, in his mind he already was helping around the house. Not to mention, he was working hard to provide for our family. But, typical to the male-type not being as expressive as us women, he would lash out in frustration, and thus the 18,293rd fight began.

It is crucial to work out the details or sharing the work around the house (prior to having a baby, if possible). If your man isn't the type to self-reflect and express his emotions (and I'm guessing that's almost everyone), then take the time to put yourself in his perspective. I have found it helps to imagine what he would say to his buddies if he goes to vent about the fight you just had. What would he say? Then maybe you'll be able to see the disagreement from both sides and come to a conclusion that can work for you both. For me, this was when I reasoned that he does work hard all day long, and he already feels like he helps around the house. This difference of opinion was where we didn't see eye-to-eye. Perhaps waiting until I snapped wasn't the way to constructively fix the problem afterall. As I confessed in the beginning, we still have some work to do in this department. Still, I can tell you the more our line communication is open without attacking or lashing out, the more improvement we see.

Putting your spouse first: As some of you may have guessed, divorce rates are highest in the first year of marriage. With everything new and couples still learning how to live together, it’s easy to understand why the statistics go that way.

Any guesses when the second wave hits? I saved this point for last because of the magnitude of its importance. Your spouse comes second only to God. Some may argue that the family they came from (mother, father, or siblings) come first, but I ask who do you come home to at the end of each day? Others may claim that their children are the most important in their life, but I argue if your marriage falls apart, where does that leave your children?

When you choose to marry someone, you are accepting that someone as your person, and therefore you are promising to put them before everything and anyone else. When you have a baby, things get messy. As I already mentioned, sex has become a distant memory or a chore, but you don't have time to even talk to each other throughout the day. That is until the baby is asleep. And by that time, you have cleaning up from the day and preparing for the next day. Then, you go to bed. Just like that, the whole day is gone and when you wake, it starts all over again. You become like roommates who happen to share a baby and maybe kiss as you greet each other. Let me take a moment here to say that some can make this work for the sake of their children. That is what it looks like when they put their children before their marriage. If you think that lifestyle is best for you and your husband, dare to take a guess what will happen to your marriage when the children leave the house.

When your entire existence together ties too tightly into raising your children, you forget to be married. The time in a couple's life with the second-highest divorce rates is during the "empty nester" stage; when all the kids are out of the house, and it's just husband and wife again.

You cannot let yourselves forget how to be married! Now comes yet another big confession of the day: we were terrible at this. I can tell you it is so easy to let life take over. Suddenly marriage becomes just a piece of paper tying you together when it should be so much more. Now that you know I also struggle with this, here are a few tips we can do together to save our marriage from losing this battle.

Schedule date nights. You can decide if you want this to be once a week or once a month, but make sure it is regular. Having a date night planned makes it easier to budget for it. I could spend more money in one trip to target than any date night we've ever been on yet still somehow, I feel we are wasting money going out to eat or to the movies just the two of us. With regular date nights on the calendar, I can expect to spend money and budget accordingly. Scheduling your night also allows you to have a babysitter lined up. If you are fortunate enough to have family around, you can make it a regular deal with them as well. We have every other Friday night split between my parents and his. It's a win-win! They love it because they get a sleepover with their grandson once a month, and we love it because we get a night off and a morning to sleep in twice a month.
Plan your nights. We have wasted an entire date night trying to figure out what we're going to do. The night ended with us doing absolutely nothing. Don't get me wrong; sometimes, doing nothing together can be lovely. Yet when you're looking forward to getting dressed up and going out, it's disappointing to stay home. When I know we have a date night approaching I try to present ideas to my husband and get some rough idea of what we want to do. I don't like to have our date outlined entirely, but this gives us a place to start, and we can go wherever the night takes us from there!
Keep it between the two of you. At some point, I found we were forming a bad habit of inviting friends with us on our nights out. None of our friends have kids, so when we get a kid-free night, we usually want to relive our nights with friends. There is nothing wrong with scheduling a separate night with friends every once in a while. But for the sake of your marriage, keep your designated date nights between the two of you.
When in doubt, keep it simple. Like I said, sometimes doing nothing can be lovely too. We don't always have the finances to go out to eat every date night, but we have streaming devices and a mutual love of popcorn. At least one night a week, during a weeknight, we come together on one couch. We put on whatever series we chose to watch together and never without each other. We break out the popcorn and snuggle close. It's just the two of us. We can talk about the show, what we think is going to happen, what characters we can't stand, what we agree on or don't. To an outsider looking in, it doesn't look like anything glamorous. But I swear to you all, this is what keeps us close. Those nights are what keep us feeling like best friends in love rather than coexisting roommates.

Although these efforts may seem like more trouble than they're worth when you're in the heat of childrearing, and you might catch yourselves slipping now and then, it is vital to your marriage. I have seen marriages find themselves in a mess of hurt, only ever speaking to each other by way of argument. This cycle of animosity is because they have nothing else anymore.

They no longer enjoy spending time with each other. Don't let this become your marriage. And if you're afraid you're already there, take a time-out from the arguing. Go on a date (even though it may be the last thing either of you want). Staying in love with your spouse may sound like common sense, but it's not a guarantee.

Keep up with it, and your empty-nester selves will thank you.

Now that I have effectively sucked all the beauty out of having a baby let me throw in some optimism. As you navigate this trying time in your marriage, you are learning about each other and growing together. You are building a beautiful family. Your children will grow up with a strong example of a loving marriage. With that, I leave you one more piece of advice: Do not forget to step back and look at that beautiful life and relish in the joy it brings you.

My Mess-Free Communication Method

3 Lessons the Cornavirus Taught Me