My Mess-Free Communication Method

Before my husband became my husband, we had a lot of figuring out to do. We come from two very different family styles. I was raised in a peaceful household. He and his family are more "heart on their sleeves" kind of people. His family hash out their issues right in the moment where my family has a tendency to bury them until they go away. Each style has its benefits. The problem is, we each thought our family-style to be "normal." So, take a girl used to living with parents who never argue and put her with a guy who raises his voice without even realizing it, you have the recipe for a very dramatic couple. Here's what happened for the first year of us dating: an argument would arise, we both would become increasingly infuriated until he reached the point of yelling, and I inevitably broke down in tears. At the site of me in tears, he would calm down, and we would talk through the fight. Was this effective? One could argue it was. We did always come to a conclusion that satisfied us both. However, the drama of each argument was too much for me to endure time and time again. We decided to work on changing the way we argued.

I heard an analogy that a conversation is like a game of tennis; only one ball can be served at a time. Otherwise, you have too much going on at once, and no one actually hears the other out. Hence the Tennis Game was created.

For this to work, I had to look carefully at both of our faults in arguments and not just his. This honesty will bring down his defenses and increase the likelihood he will participate. His most significant offense in an argument was the yelling. Mine? I was the crier. We both were guilty of talking over one another and never really hearing what was being said. If you are reading this and find it all to be hitting home, this method might just be for you too.

Rules:

• No yelling.

• No swearing.

• No crying.

• No talking without the tennis ball.

• One ball on the court at a time.

• The "serve" must be addressed before there can be a "return."

*Violating the rules should result in postponing the game until both players are ready to try again.

Objective: To be heard by each other and to come to a conclusion together that satisfies both parties.

How to Play: Start in a quiet place free from distractions. Our favorite time to play this game was on a long car ride (to a familiar destination), so neither of us could escape the discussion. A public place might also be an excellent place to play this game if you are afraid you might be tempted to break the rules. No one wants to make a scene in a public place. Choose any object on hand to be the designated "tennis ball." For us, this was usually an empty water bottle or whatever we could find in the car. The person holding the tennis ball may only present one topic of discussion at a time. It can be tempting to unload everything on the person who is currently restrained from talking. Doing so will only confuse the receiver and make responding to each issue difficult. Once all is said about the one topic, hand the tennis ball over to your partner. The partner first has to reiterate what was said to ensure he or she understood correctly. Then, the partner may respond. The tennis ball is passed back and forth until they both agree it is settled. After the issue is resolved, a new topic may be "served" if necessary. All the while, the couple must keep in mind the rules.

Tip: Using I-statements helps avoid placing blame and bringing anger into the game. Statements such as "I feel (blank) when you (blank) because (blank)" remove the blame from the partner while still leaving the ball in their court. Pun intended.

Tennis is a friendly, non-contact game of serve and return. The purpose of this game is to have a conversation with the other person, not an argument. As time went on, we grew as a couple and eventually didn't need to play the game as much. He naturally controlled his volume, or I learned not to take it so personally. Either way, we were able to communicate more civilly. Still, now and then, we find ourselves in an ugly argument that is leading nowhere. That's when we know its time to dust off the old rackets and play a friendly game of tennis.