In Sickness and In Health
Marriage, like the human body, defends itself with an immune system.
To better understand my analogy, let me give a brief overview of how the immune system works to keep our bodies healthy (bear with me, I will bring this back to relationships I swear). When you’re young, your immune system is learning. Over time, as the body fights foreign microbes with what is called the innate immune system, the system we are born with, it is learning all about these invaders and remembering what was needed to defeat them. This approach strengthens what is called the adaptive immune system, which strengthens over time. Anyone who has ever had a kid in a daycare or school can attest to how many new germs brought home that first year. For a child who has been indoors most of their young life, they won’t be exposed to those invaders until later in life while the children running around with other germs (I mean kids) have a very actively learning immune system that is drinking it all in. If the child exposed to these germs already is confronted with a similar one later in life, the immune system already knows what to do and how to handle it.
Have you ever watched an older, more “seasoned” couple get into a little argument? I sometimes just watch in wonder at how seamlessly they got through the discussion and moved on the way they did. That is because, over the years, that couple has built up an immune system of steel. I told you I would be bringing this back to relationships. Here it is:
When a couple first moves in together, they are confronted with challenges like never before. Not unlike when a young body first steps foot inside a germ-infested school. The relationship had weathered a few storms prior but never before had to deal with household chores, blending families, sharing a bathroom, the list goes on. There will be so many arguments in the first year or so of marriage. Similar to the way a child gets sick during the first year of school. The immune system is still learning, and with each argument, you navigate together, you learn how to navigate it when it comes up again. You may not have the same fight about who puts the dishes away, but you might find yourselves arguing over who cleans up after the new puppy. Now that you have a memory of the dish argument stored away, you can apply the same approach to this unique but similar argument and get through it together much smoother. The change is so subtle during these dark times you may not even notice it at first. Eventually, you will be able to look back on the numerous petty arguments you used to get into and how those arguments are shrinking in both frequency and intensity.
Now, this is not to say the marriage will not find itself facing something unknown ever again. You can have one of the most resilient immune systems, and you will still be struck by some new virus now and then. When this happens, you simply need to give your body the time it needs to fight it and maybe give it some help with medication (or in marriage, therapy) when things are just not progressing the way you’d like them to. Any marriage starts on cloud 9, the “honeymoon phase” that will inevitably be followed by the couple’s first “crisis.” Some experience a loss in the family. Others battle addiction or chronic illness. For some its infertility or even bringing a baby into the family. Yes, happy life events can cause a “crisis” in a marriage as well. These are the new viruses the body has never experienced before. Although any couple can fight through illnesses together, those marriages who have had time to build a sturdy immune system before their first crisis may have a smoother transition. While it is said a marriage will never return to the level of happiness before the first crisis, it will reach a new baseline of happiness that should be achievable after each following crisis.
Overall, it is essential to remember that this is all a part of the process. No one enjoys feeling sick. Sometimes people can be made so miserable by their infection they start to give up. But if a fever is as a sign your immune system is working its hardest, then the heat of an argument is a sign that the couple is working their hardest too. Sometimes our bodies need doctors, sometimes our marriage needs a therapist. Sometimes our bodies need rest; sometimes, a marriage does too. By improving communication techniques and learning what works with each other and what does not through all of this mess, you can come out stronger. With dedication and faith, you can have a marriage with an immune system of steel.