5 Myths of Marriage
Tomorrow is our fourth wedding anniversary! With every year of marriage, I learn more about what it means to make a marriage last. These past four years, I have found that there is a lot of misinformation cluttering the minds of new couples. Like anyone young and naïve, this information is leading to some dangerous misconceptions about what marriage truly is. I feel it is my duty to air out these misleading ideas, not to darken the concept of marriage, but to shed light on it instead.
1) "Never go to bed angry"
If anyone has ever actually tried to stay true to this, you can breathe a sigh of relief because I'm about to tell you it is okay to go to bed angry sometimes. When an argument strikes around bedtime, both of you are tired already. As the clock ticks and your fight goes in circles, you begin to count how many hours you have left to sleep until that alarm goes off. You are no longer focused on the fight anymore. You're more ticked off at the one thing standing between you and sleep. More than likely, you end up fighting until you're both too tired to fight anymore and end up coming to some half-hearted agreement just so to be finished. You kiss and makeup so that you can hit the pillow. But guess what happens to half-hearted agreements the next time the issue arises. The same exact fight. So, what did you really accomplish? What do you have to show for your commitment to the "never go to bed angry" vow? A lack of sleep, that's what you have.
Instead of that whole mess, why not put a pin in the argument and talk about it when you're both fully rested? When did going to bed angry become some kind of taboo, nail in the coffin of your relationship? My husband and I have gone to bed angry. Many times, actually. And do you know what happens? We wake up, well-rested! With a clear mind, we can revisit the argument. First, we have to decide if what we were arguing about was even worth it. You would be surprised how many times you wake up, and there is your husband laying all his apologies out from the night before. Explanations you would have never heard had you stayed up until the early hours of the AM battling it out. You may also wake up and find that you owe an apology. Maybe you were way too tired and just reacting to that. Who knows? But more often than not, the argument is resolved right then and there, and you got good sleep! Win-win.
Now, not all arguments are that quickly resolved. Plus, as I mentioned before, it can be challenging to go to bed when anger surges through your body. Your adrenaline is high as your body prepares for an epic battle, not sleep. Maybe it's the writer in me, but I have always found taking my frustrations out on the notepad to be very therapeutic. If you're not into writing, I'd imagine a voice recording could do the trick too. I open a new note on my phone, and I go crazy. I say all the things I would have said if I stayed up fighting with my husband. Mean things, condescending things, hurtful things. It doesn't matter how you get your point across. Just get it out. Then go to sleep.
In the morning before re-approaching the argument, read over what you wrote. Now, with a clear, rested mind, you are going to edit the dialog. Soften your words so that it becomes less of an attack and more of a civil explanation for your point of view. Read it over a few times, editing any point in the text where you could imagine your husband getting defensive. Then give it to him to read. This approach allows your husband to hear your side without having the opportunity to talk over you. Now that you are calm, you can make the text calm. These changes will bring down his defenses, and he will be able to respond calmly as well. This time could also be an opportunity to try out the mess-free communication method.
The way I see it: going to bed angry leads to civil conversations in the morning. And you get to sleep. That sounds like a successful marriage to me.
2) "Love conquers all"
Love is not magic. It may feel like magic when we first meet our significant other, and we get whisked away into the whirlwind that is "falling in love," but it has no actual magical properties. I stress this point heavily is my entire post dedicated to love so that I will leave there. Way too many new couples believe in this idea that if their love is real, nothing can stop it. Fast forward three, four, five years down the road when there are dirty dishes in the sink, parenting disagreements, budget fails, in-law feuds, you get the point. In all the mess of marriage, that fanciful love you once felt is starting to fade. This couple is now beginning to wonder if they really loved each other all those years ago. At this point, all it may take is one major stressor to take this marriage down. It is all because of this fairytale belief that if their love was strong enough, they could have survived. What you don't know about this marriage is they put no work into it. Why should they? They had "magical love." But as time eroded away at their marriage, they were not investing any love back into it. So, when they need love to hold them together during that crisis, it was weakened or nonexistent at all.
Love takes investing, it takes sacrifice, and it takes commitment. You have to invest your time, your efforts, sometimes your money when it comes to dating or gifts.
You have to sacrifice your own wants on occasion. Finally, you have to be willing to put in all the labors above. With all that work put towards one common goal, your marriage, it will be strengthened over time.
One more note on the work that goes into loving your spouse, it will take time. I won't say its ever too late to start improving your marriage, but it will be better off if these efforts are put in from the very beginning. Over time, you will find your marriage cruising over challenges like a speed bump and carrying on with your happily ever after. Once you get to that point, it may be possible for your love to overcome anything. Love doesn't conquer all; you conquer love.
3) "The old ball and chain"
This is most commonly used among men to other newly married men. I might even go as far as to say, this phrase is used among men unhappy in their marriage.
Not only does it give the impression that marriage is uneven when it should be a two-player game, it portrays an image where the man is in lockdown at the wife's mercy. That gives marriage a decidedly bleak outlook to someone just joining the matrimony club. Rather than seeing marriage as a partnership that can boost both parties, it is already tainted in the young husband's eyes. With that picture in his, mind he is automatically going to resist any amount of compromise for fear he is being locked into her wishes. It strips away the idea of the husband ever having freedom again. While I believe spending time together is vital in a marriage, you do not have to spend every waking minute together. A husband is perfectly able to have time with his guy friends as much as a wife wants to get out for a girl's night. With the right amount of respect for one another, these nights are arranged and agreed upon, but with the idea that asking implies the wife has control over the husband or the metaphorical key to his freedom, is the second reason I cringe at this analogy.
Second, it gives an idea of an uneven marriage. Marriage is not a one-person show. It is for this reason we have vows when we get married.
A husband being told his marriage is likened to a ball and chain strips marriage of its potential to be fair, respectful, and balanced.
4) “Having a Baby Will Bring You Closer Together”
Please tell me nobody still believes this! I almost left it out because it seems so obviously false. Alas, I can see the appeal. After all, how could joining your lives together in the precious miracle of life not bring the two of you closer together? The sad truth is, a baby can bring joy into a marriage. But only if the marriage has a solid foundation to withstand the ground-shaking changes that come with an infant. My favorite thing to tell couples contemplating having a baby is this; a baby will take whatever situation you have in your marriage at the moment and blow it up. Overall, a baby should not be considered for any reason other than wanting to bring a baby into the world.
5) "Honeymoon phase"
Have you ever seen trailers for a movie coming out, heard fantastic reviews, became so pumped to see it only to find it a huge disappointment? I'm not saying marriage isn't worthy of fantastic reviews, but it takes time. Often the same disappointment can be present at the very beginning of a marriage, or the "honeymoon phase." Mostly because no one wants to admit how much they struggled the first year. They like to post pictures of their beautiful life together only to deceive every bride-to-be that this is what their marriage will be like right from the start.
I'm here to finally tell you, first, that it's not true and second, that it gets better. When I first was married, we moved right into our house together from the honeymoon, and I can tell you, the "honeymoon phase" ended right there. I fell into such a funk and that I thought something was wrong with me. I was at the point of searching for therapists near me when I finally had some justification.
Both a friend of mine and my own mother finally came to my rescue and told me this very same thing happened to them after they were first married. It's no secret why no one wants to talk about this. And honestly, I started to forget that ever happened to me. But here's what happens…
First, you are coming down from such a high! All the preparations going into your wedding and honeymoon are over, just like that. You are back to reality, back to work, back to household responsibility. The only difference is you now have someone new in your way. You are competing for a spot at the kitchen counter, bathroom time, the coffee pot, you name it. Suddenly his habits are your problem. He may have things he likes done a certain way that you never did before. Your household roles are not established. You have finances to figure out and two different family backgrounds to somehow blend with now. If you are like me, you are very attached to your last name, and giving that up is like giving up a piece of your identity. There is so much going on at this moment. To top it all off, the two of you are likely fighting more than ever before (see In Sickness and In Health).
I tell you all of this darkness, not to scare you away from the beauty that is marriage but to shed some light on it. Sometimes just being away from what is ahead and knowing it is natural can be an immense relief. The "newlywed" phase is not at all like the "honeymoon" phase. So many people will approach you with cheesy grins on their faces and say, "The newlyweds! How's married life?" And you will smile and say it's great because what else can you say? Now, I go back to my glimmer of hope I gave in the beginning: it will be better. The more you put into your marriage, the more you will get out of it. Pray about it, talk to each other, and remind yourself this is normal.
So, there you have it!
I laid out my most cringe-worthy marriage myths in the hopes that you will not believe them. Though I have named all my myths, I would love to hear from other married couples. What are your most cringe-worthy marriage myths?